Jenna and Aidan Saga

"Aidan & Jenna split, the saga"

We split about a month ago. Ok, honestly I'm not really sure when it was exactly. It was before July 4th, though. I couldn't deal with him constantly going to hick neighbor's & getting drunk & then coming home at 4 a.m. & waking me when I had to get up to get ready for work at 5:30 a.m. Also it was frustrating to be home alone all evening tho still married. Total times he's taken me out in last year? One. So basically only evidence that I was married was that someone else was paying the bills. I wasn't happy & told him so regularly. which leads to next point: I made the final decision for us to split, so to speak, when I told him to leave. However I've said it several times & he just didn't go. this time he did. He didn't wait long to get his own place either. he told me he couldn't keep hearing me tell him I didn't want him around. So, in a way, maybe a mutual decision. At first, I was highly pissed off that I was stuck (I know... my own fault) taking care of everything myself & he was free to be single & childless. So I made sure he heard from me often just so he would know how pissed I was at him for being a shitty husband & ruining everything. Nice, right? Then I realized that I really didnt notice that he was gone bc like I said he wasn't exactly around before. Plus he is still paying my damn bills and helping me with the kids when I am stuck. So he isnt such an asshole. We are getting along fine now & I see him at least twice a week. I guess it'll be every morning now until school starts bc he's taking the boys to their summer camp. However, he isn't as happy-go-lucky & free as I thought... he is helping me with no complaint & he asks to come see me or for me to visit every day. I am keeping my distance but he obviously misses me (and the boys) and he is still very much in love with me. This makes me feel like I am the asshole. BUT he is still going to the hick neighbor's and getting drunk. What a dumbass. He doesn't do it often, though, and i know he isnt happy to be living alone. He is not (as far as I am aware) even considering the option of finding someone else & still claims me as his wife & says sweet things to me. NO I am not having sex with him. Of course he wants it just like he did when we were living together but he wasn't getting it then, either. He is living in a studio apartment a few miles down the road from me. I talk to him on the phone for at least a minute or so (depends on if I am in the mood to talk to him) every day. Usually he calls me but sometimes he seems so dejected bc I havent called him that I send him a text. Which he immediately follows up with a call bc he doesnt text. He has suggested many things for us to do as a family & he has taken us all out to eat & to the movies. He has also attended both of my family reunions this summer and the only family members that know anything about it are my mom and my sister. I have no idea if we will make up with each other and go back to living together as a normal husband and wife. However I do not want to go thru another divorce and I am still convinced that I am meant to be married to him. My reason for this belief may be stupid so I am not sharing it at this time. I am honestly hoping that being separated will make me see more clearly what it is I want or who it is i want. I also hope that he has a chance to grow up a bit & realize that good marriage relationships are more than just living in the same house. Like I said before, I do think now that he is a good guy. I took his reliability for granted before. I do really appreciate that he is there for me when he can be. It does piss me off still when I need him and he isnt available, but I think now that is more of a scheduling or communication conflict rather than him just being a jerk. I am feeling pretty shitty about myself more now than I was before bc of this, though, since I am seeing that he isnt all that bad so then it must be me that is the fuck-up. However things here are running just the same with him gone as they were with him here so basically I do see that aside from the financial end of things (which I still cant seem to manage monetarily or organizationally) I ran the household by myself. So I like that. I am in charge. It's just now I don't have a 3rd kid trying to circumvent my house rules. I am also being nicer to him now. Before I had him here aggravating me all the time with his stupid shit that made me mad (waking me up with his drunkenness or leaving when I needed his help or wanted his company or complaining whenever he had to do anything). With him away I am not so angry at him all the time so I can talk to him like a normal person instead of always HATING HATING HATING HATING BC HE HAS FUCKED EVERYTHING ALL UP which is pretty much the mood I was in constantly when he was living here. The me not being constantly pissed off at him has helped matters. And yes. I am aware that i am a big fucking bitch. I do not see myself alone in the future. And sadly, I honestly don't see myself with someone else, either, as much as I'd like to imagine a happy future with some other romantic interest. I am (possibly wrongly but who knows) convinced that I have a predestined future with my current spouse and I don't know how it is going to play out but right now i am just going to go with it.

In other news, I love the look of the blog and I am currently following it invisibly with my google account, which is emailed to everyone. I love the names, except for those individuals who arent recurring ppl who I cant even recall by their real names, let alone by false ones. I have issues with remembering names & ppl, ok?! But I do like the ones chosen. I do not think Eric should be Stefan bc he doesnt seem like someone who would have an exotic name like that anyway. though i know it is too late for me to vote on that one since the second post is already up. Feel free to make any edits or clarifications necessary to send this on to the other members of the group, if you wish. Or just keep the whole sordid mess to yourself, which I think is best since it is a huge freaking fucked up mess. And of course I dont want everyone else to think I am a horrible person, too. The quote is from the 147 days of shopping site, and I have found Quorn at Giant Eagle but haven't tried it yet. The recipes are going to get looked at later bc my whole week's menus have been planned out already. I have gotten out of the habit of shopping early, but I saw a lot of ideas that I have used in the past to prepare for the holidays all year long (especially the bit about yard sales/flea markets). These are great tips! If you have more than one kid it is a great idea to try to plan ahead. I am glad you decided to start this again. Now, I must get to bed. Sorry so abrupt but I am trying to hurry bc it is late (NOT being a bitch haha)

xoxo - Jenna